Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Authentically Heart-wrenching

Suicide.
  I AM SO SICK OF THIS WORD & MY SOUL ACHES EVERY TIME IT IS MENTIONED!

Do to recent events in my life -  a friend with the most contagious smile that you could actually FEEL the warmth radiating from him no matter how many years it had been since you had seen him...  the cruel and horrible pain that this world sometimes brings grabbed hold of him and made him sub-come to the suffering. Just like Robin Williams, these two souls painted on the happy and made others feel that way too, when they were actually suffering in a way that it was hard to see through to.

  This leads me to the word genuine or authenticity... why is it so hard for us to just BE?!

IT IS OKAY TO SAY I'M NOT OKAY!  IT IS OKAY TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY!  IT IS OKAY TO SCREAM, SHOUT, AND FREAK OUT ... if you need help let someone know and REACH OUT!  You are NOT crazy and in these heart wrenching moments I believe we are the most sane, because we have reached the point that we realize that we are really just human in the middle of a raging storm of pain.

I know people will wonder why I am so passionate about this... I have been there.  I have felt in the very depth of my soul the darkness that was begging to take hold, the pain that I desperately tried to numb... to put on a fake smile and face the world when I just wanted to turn around and run.  


In 2006 I had just turned 20 years old and the previous two weeks my world had received a mighty hurricane of pain that made me believe my light would never shine again.  As a child I had unspeakable things happen to me, my innocence stolen too soon, and this left me feeling worthless, broken, and unworthy of ever being loved.  I kept this a secret my entire life because this person was really close.  When I decided to open up to someone I trust, that person went and said something which was followed by denial from the culprit and further guilt that maybe I had deserved it.  After a night of heavy drinking my emotions spilled out and my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with the pain I felt – locking himself in the room leaving me all alone in my pit of doom.  The tormenting thoughts took hold and the world around me was dark and cold.  All I wanted for was the pain to end – for maybe another chance to begin my life again.  I vaguely remember reaching up for the pain killers and swallowing every pill in the over sized bottles. I don’t really remember a lot of what happened next but I was told that I called my Dad for help and told him, "Daddy, I don't want to die."   


If I hadn't reached out – my light would no longer shine and all of the beautiful memories I've had from that point on and to this day would not have been made.  Those two beautiful baby boys that bring this world so much joy, their light would not be here and the rippling effect of the pain caused would have brought others into the darkness I felt and left them wondering why I chose to keep the pain all to myself. 

Maybe some of you feel that way today and I am here to say that there is ALWAYS a way to counter act the darkness.  In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”  WE ARE HERE TO SHINE WHEN OTHERS FEEL THE DARKNESS OVERCOMING THEM & THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT WILL SHARE THEIR OWN LIGHT WHEN YOU CANNOT FIND YOUR OWN. We are here to show every person that we meet that everyone goes through dark moments but the sun and YOUR LIGHT will ALWAYS shine again.  

      
    I know it hurts… this life sometimes.  There are things that happen to each of us that cause us to question the why and the gut wrenching feeling of HOW we are going to move past this hardship & the answer to the how are three words HOPE, GRACE, & LOVE.  I’ve learned to love imperfection a lot because it shines such a big light on God’s grace.  If someone has grace for you that’s when you feel their love the most and they see you for who you are and love you anyway.  Holding onto that hope that there is a better day tomorrow will help subside the sorrow. 
We are here to shine our lights on those that lost their way extending hope, love, and GRACE.  We are alive and we are here to shine. Nelson Mandela and Marianne Williamson state, “As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presences actually liberates others.”  SHINE & LET US SHARE OUR LIGHT WITH OTHERS WHO CANNOT FIND THEIR OWN.  
Brave faces are overrated.  You know what takes true courage?  Showing others the pain, the struggle, the heartache, and taking life for the truth that it is and really being authentic.

If YOU or someone you know needs help - please reach out. Call 1-800-273-8255 at anytime and someone will be there on the other end of the line.