Many of you know that my ex-husband left in June of 2012 - I won't go into details as there are previous blogs on this - but it still is one of the most painful times in my life that I've ever gone through. Moving through the emotions of abandonment and trying to get my mind right from the abuse that occurred left me with a very fragile heart and to counter act that I built up walls, boarded up the windows, turned every lock, threw away the keys, built a barbwire/steel fence around the walls, and outside of that I dug a moat... Trust no one and never get hurt. Only God could shine His glorious love filled light into my heart and soul.
I am a firm believer in music speaking the words our soul could never find the words for ... this song best fits that moment in my life.
I spent my whole teenage and young adult life loving this man with every ounce of my being I tried to keep our family together for 11 years - this you can ask anyone. The idea of changing, of letting go, of moving on just seemed so wrong. Not to mention the stigma of being a divorced woman in society ... especially being a Christian woman. I hate to admit this but I received some of the greatest judgement from my family in faith. In the very beginning of deciding to file for divorce many months after he left I was told by a pastor that divorce was wrong... I felt guilty, like I was letting my ex's family, church family, my little mini men, and my Heavenly Father down. I was treated differently by women in the church and to be completely honest there were moments I felt they looked at me like I carried some sort of divorced disease - like I would pass on divorce to them and their family in a sneeze if they got too close to me.
On the other end of the spectrum I did receive some of my greatest support from my church family too. Women in my Bible Study in Texas (shout out to all you Hill Country Bible Round Rock ladies - I love you!) took my boys and me in - they even set up a care calendar to watch my mini men while I figured out how to pay for the ridiculously over priced childcare there and I am forever thankful for each and every one of them. Then I met my Kingdom Heights Christian School family who went above and beyond to care for us, always there to lend a helping hand. (Thank you for all that you did and I miss you all so much!)
Then there are all the silly little forms in doctors offices, at the DMV, EVERY WHERE seemingly ... Single, Married, Widowed, or Divorced - check one. Another place to put down my D label leading me to feel like I was a failure.
Okay so fast forward to two weeks ago. As a newly re-married woman to the sweetest most amazing man, I'm going to let you in on a secret... I was scared even at that point to fully let him in. To be honest I kept waiting for a moment that he would say "I'm done" and just walk away. He may have helped me fill in that moat, take down the fences, some how found and even made copies of the keys to unlock my heart, but I have to admit I kept the walls up. As an excuse I kept telling myself it was because I was being "smart", after all God does say to guard your heart right? (Proverbs 4:23)
We had a brief and highly unusual moment to to watch a movie during the day because both boys went down for a mid-afternoon nap. I found a movie that I wanted to watch forever ago but my ex refused to go and now I totally know why. It was waiting to be watched at this exact moment because it was what my heart needed to hear be spoken. Here are a few pictures from the movie maybe it will jog your memory...
I know I'm not divorced any more but I am remarried and to be honest it hasn't been easy. As I watched this movie I sat on the couch and cried my walled up heart out - one of the few times my husband has seen me be weak but not that last time for sure. I talked about my ex and how I had yet to hear that ... that it was okay to love again. Instead of criticizing me and looking at me like I was crazy - he pulled me in and held me.*
So here is where this blog is leading to... beautiful women and men too.... some of YOU need to hear this.
I want you to know that the word divorced is a dumb word - it's not you and it doesn't need to be used to define you.
Take all the time you need to grieve but don't ever give up on love and not believe for it is the most beautiful thing.
*Thank you Jesus and Jesse - you really do mean the world to me. Thank you for loving me unconditionally!