Friday, January 17, 2014

Focus On The Miracle

""Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around on the outside of your body." - Elizabeth Stone


On January 15th my first mini man Aydn and I went into the eye doctor to get our eyes checked.  He had been complaining of a headache every time he read and with my eyes at nearly three times the legal blind limit, I chalked it up to him becoming a four eyed wonder boy.  As you can see from the picture above we were all smiles and sillies to start our day, like always.  I'm a picture-a-holic wanting to cherish and document every sweet moment that my children go through so that when they hit the years of independence from me no longer wanting to play & when I'm sitting in my rocking chair all old and gray, I can pull out the pictures a moment in time just as it was - a still frame of the memories we have made - look through them and share with others the beauty that was & is my life.  I began my usual game of making things fun & exciting for my little man even though they are not usually in the category of awesome things to do in a normal day of life. When he put on his glasses to take the depth test - Aydn pretended he was Clark Kent and stated that they were just his disguise because he was really a Superhero inside. (Totally agree!)  The "poof" of the air in the eyeball made us giggle - like a jack-in-the-box for any person who has to endure this machine... an element of surprise that you know is coming the entire time yet you cannot help but jump when it hits! 




& then the dilation of the eyes came.  Before his sunk in - we picked out his new reading glasses frames -boy does he look like a little smarty all debonair with his gray spectacles that fit his cute face so perfectly! We wondered around Wal-Mart as it was next door- giggling like lunatics because we could barely see anything.  We picked up cards trying to read them - looking at each other cracking up because the words started dancing a blurry jig with each one we picked.  After 15 minutes of people looking at us like we were on something & our pupils looking as if it their thoughts were correct - we walked back over to the Optometrists office.  He peeked inside Aydn's eyes... peeked again... & again.  With a look of concern on his face he stated that he needed to take some pictures of Aydn's eyes.  Like a fun-house full of mirrors crashing down all at once - my focus turned from being my silly self to full blown Momma Bear mode.  Animal instinct at it's finest - nothing would hurt my baby.

Suddenly the whirl wind of something no parent ever wants to experience began.
After the pictures were taken - the doctor pulled me into a room and stated to the nurses to give Aydn something fun to do while we talked.  He began showing me the reality of what was happening inside my Angel Aydn - my first born Awesome - my heart in child shaped form.  The photos showed an elevated optic nerve with indistinct arteries in his eye... my response - uhhhh what does that mean?
  Without going into scientific explanations he stated that when this occurs in rare case people can have the elevated nerve as a normal but the obscured view of the artery was cause for concern - that there was pressure on the brain somewhere.  This could be from the fluid around the brain not draining correctly or possibly even a tumor.

(insert silent breakdown here)

I sucked it up and stepped out into the lobby where my amazing little man - the sweetest boy in all the land stood without a clue of what may be happening inside of him and grabbed him up in the deepest hug I could ever give.  If I could have sunk him into myself in that moment I would've.  With a few phone calls from the doctor I was given the list to a few specialists in the area with specific instructions to get in as soon as possible.  So like a solider marching into battle numb to the pain that they may endure I began the process of calling to see who could get my little love in while fighting the thoughts of what the results of all this could be.  
8:30 am Ophthalmologist appointment made for the following day... now to pretend like nothing was wrong and stay strong in front of Aydn.  Here's how the day went - sure you can have ice cream at 1:00 in the afternoon, sure we can play whatever game you want to play including tackle football all throughout the house, sure I'll give you the world right now because I may not be able to for much longer. At bedtime I read what seemed like a billion books, an hour later of course because at this point every moment is suddenly worth so much more, I laid with Aydn and whispered to him how wonderful he is - how truly thankful I am to have him - and prayed with all of my might that his light be with this world far longer than mine ever be.  

That night I made phone calls, texted, and messaged just about every person I could to send prayers to my little man - that this abnormality be just another way to show what a special edition Aydn is to this world.  I went to bed with a heavy heart to say the least.  I picked up my book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and began reading ALLLLL the things I need to read...

In reference to Matthew 14:19 "He looked up to heaven, to see where this moment comes from. Always first the eyes, the focus."

"Give thanks (in), give thanks (out). The eyes focus, in apertures capturing Beauty in ugliness."

"Why do I reduce The Greatest to the lesser instead of seeing the lesser, this mess, as reflecting The Greatest?"

"The practice of giving thanks...eucharisteo...this is the way we practice the presence of God, stay present to His presence, and it is always the practice of the eyes."

"You can't positive think your way out of negative feelings.  Feelings work faster than thoughts; blood runs faster than synapses.  The only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling."

"The Lord has to break us down to the strongest part of our self-life before He can have His own way of blessings with us."

& then to the bible I flipped open the living word - the guide to my life and Genesis 32:22-30
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone,and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”


& so began my wrestling match.  All I kept saying with tears streaming down my face was I KNOW he will be okay. God I WANT my blessing. GOD GIVE ME MY BLESSING.  I KNOW my Aydn will be okay. YOU PROMISE BLESSINGS & HE IS MINE, MY BLESSING SINCE DAY ONE - I KNOW HE WILL BE OKAY.

----------------------

The next morning I heard my alarm though I felt as if I had yet to fall asleep.  Going through the motions of the day to come felt daunting - I took my shower & as the water fell around me, so did the tears because I knew this was the only time during the day that I could show my weakness.  With a few moments to get ready myself after prepping my two little angels Aydn and Kayl for the day - I grabbed my Jesus Calling daily devotional & turned to this... 


Peace.  His peace I choose for the day even though the sea had raging waves.
Even the band Kye Kye that I was fully introduced to Tuesday night had a beautiful song for my soul... 



The lyrics "There is no weeping, there is no sorrow,
you're holding me now there's no rules to follow
I know who you are now, I'm running in a different way
so overwhelmed by you Jesus."

The Ophthalmologist ran a ton of different tests and some of the same... with the results the same.  Her instructions were to go to an Emergency Room - an MRI was in order and hopefully after that answers were in store.  She suggested going to the ER in Temple, TX, about an hour away, to see the best Neuro-ophthalmologist in Central Texas Dr. Smith.  So after a treat of Aydn's favorite burger at Freddy's and a stop to grab his blankey from the house and tell Poppa to pick up Kayl from school we were on our way to get some answers.  At this point between the family I had contacted (church families included) hundreds of prayers were going up and I know that our Heavenly Father was listening.

We arrived at the ER and more testing began.  Soooooo many tests. Hours and hours of testing and wondering - yet finding laughter in the moments between & of course allllll the extra snuggles that could ever be. 
Poor baby so sick of the dialation of the eyes, look at this, read that, what does that say, can you do this...

All results showed normal movement of the eyes, no blind spots, proper drainage of the fluid in his brain, and no tumors (PRAISE GOD!)

Soooooo.... the Neuro-ophthalmologist looked inside his eyes again & the miracle began.

THE ARTERIES WERE THERE - SEEN IN FULL FOCUS - PUMPING ALONG

I saw the blurred elements to his eye, two doctors viewed the obstruction of view to his arteries... so much so they had us go to the Emergency Room because of the urgency 
BUT   

 

The optic nerve is still elevated which is not considered "normal" but who wants to be normal right?  The haze that was over the arteries was lifted... somehow... some way... the only explanation from the first photos of Aydn's eyes and the findings of the last is answered prayers.

A witnessed miracle with my own two eyes on my son's eyes...
A true testament to prayers going up and blessings coming down. 

So with this story I leave an eternity of thankfulness to God first for giving me the blessing of my son - my amazing Aydn that I love beyond what words could ever begin to describe - and second to all of you who prayed, who sent me loving words, who care so much for us that you know that you are in tune to the requests for prayers that you give them more then willingly but whole-heartedly.

I've experienced a miracle and my heart has never been so full!  THANK - FULL!




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