You ever have one of those days where the world seems to be spinning around you so quickly, with everyone doing what they are suppose to be doing, going along with their merry lives while you sit in a silent fog of agony wondering " DON'T THEY KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"
(Wishing the world would just stop - I need some time to make sense of this all)
It's crazy to think about praying over and over and over again for the very thing that is happening - but now that it is I do not know how to handle it -sooo many emotions all at once.
My little men's father is in rehab about an hour away from us. One would think that there would be a jumping for joy montage inserted right here but... I have a confession to make. It's been extremely hard to forgive him.
Don't get me wrong, I am extemely grateful for this - but what my two precious men and I went through in the past created a root of bitterness in me that I did not realize was there until the past few days. When I heard he was coming this way (to Texas from Wyoming) a flood gate of the memories opened and a wave of uncertainty & anger hit me like a tsunami. I've been so busy trying to get as far away from those moments as possible - trying to remain strong in front of my little men when in reality there are moments I just would rather curl up in a ball under my covers & cry. (please watch video below)
I did not ask for this & neither did my boys. Broken hearts are not easily healed but I know the Almighty Healer and He is in control of this life of mine.
& He is also the author of my ex-husband's life. The boy's father is a child of God just the same as I am and it is time to fully forgive. Last night during a devotional God gave me this:
Luke 7:40-53 40 Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. 41 “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,c and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
Please pray he falls madly in love with Jesus because He can turn the mess that was created into a message. These little men below love him so much and so does our Heavenly Father.
This morning as I prepared my little men - my heart on the outside of my body in adorable little children shaped forms - to go see their father for the first time in what seems like forever I am reminded that God is in control and His plan is the BEST plan.
God has taken care of us all this far
& although there have been some bumps and bruises along the way,
I cannot help but stand in awe,
That despite all that we have done in our lives He chooses to love us anyway.