Tuesday, October 22, 2013

A New Lesson In Forgiveness

You ever have one of those days where the world seems to be spinning around you so quickly, with everyone doing what they are suppose to be doing, going along with their merry lives while you sit in a silent fog of agony wondering " DON'T THEY KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING?!" 
(Wishing the world would just stop - I need some time to make sense of this all)
It's crazy to think about praying over and over and over again for the very thing that is happening - but now that it is I do not know how to handle it -sooo many emotions all at once.
My little men's father is in rehab about an hour away from us. One would think that there would be a jumping for joy montage inserted right here but...  I have a confession to make. It's been extremely hard to forgive him. 
Don't get me wrong, I am extemely grateful for this - but what my two precious men and I went through in the past  created a root of bitterness in me that I did not realize was there until the past few days. When I heard he was coming this way (to Texas from Wyoming) a flood gate of the memories opened and a wave of uncertainty & anger hit me like a tsunami.  I've been so busy trying to get as far away from those moments as possible - trying to remain strong in front of my little men when in reality there are moments I just would rather curl up in a ball under my covers & cry.  (please watch video below)
I did not ask for this & neither did my boys. Broken hearts are not easily healed but I know the Almighty Healer and He is in control of this life of mine.
& He is also the author of my ex-husband's life.  The boy's father is a child of God just the same as I am and it is time to fully forgive.  Last night during a devotional God gave me this:
Luke 7:40-53 40 Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. 41 “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii,c and the other fifty. 42 Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
Please pray he falls madly in love with Jesus because He can turn the mess that was created into a message.  These little men below love him so much and so does our Heavenly Father.

 This morning as I prepared my little men - my heart on the outside of my body in adorable little children shaped forms - to go see their father for the first time in what seems like forever I am reminded that God is in control and His plan is the BEST plan.
God has taken care of us all this far
& although there have been some bumps and bruises along the way,
I cannot help but stand in awe,
That despite all that we have done in our lives He chooses to love us anyway.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Happily Ever After - Better Than A Disney Movie

One of my biggest fears in life was the thought that I would never be loved. I felt lost and had little direction in the area of love... I never really knew what it was as there was never a healthy display of it in my life as a child.  I would say the Disney Princesses taught me most of what I knew about relationships growing up - silly but true.  Perhaps that is why I "fell in love" with just one kiss from my ex-husband - following in the foot steps of Sleeping Beauty expecting to ride off into some magnificent sunset on a majestic white stallion in the arms of my Prince Charming.

The fact that there is an ex in front of that husband part goes to show that there was not a fairy tale ending. The divorce was an earth shattering, gut wrenching, heart breaking, and utterly terrible moment in my life - but from it I learned that I could give my heart to someone that would NEVER break it. Instead He would take the time to build it up and reshape it... Jesus.

The word relationship is defined as:
1. a connection, association, or involvement
 2. a connection between persons by blood or marriage.
A relationship with Jesus is the connection that gets you involved with the creator of the universe through His blood shed which happened for the very reason of establishing that relationship with us (John 3:16, 1 John 4:9-11.)  Jesus shed his blood so you could experience God's unending grace, mercy, and love. 
The beginning of the relationship is full of passion. Life is full of moments where you cannot get enough of God's word and everything that surrounds you is so full of Him that tears of joy leak from your eyes constantly.  You want to shout from every mountain top about the joy of the Lord and live every moment for Him and Him alone!
But then a case of the mundane hits.
Day in and day out of reading the Bible that was written sooooo many years ago - you have a hard time making sense of it all (insert Numbers - ha ha!) or relating it to your life.  & with this whole Christian thing - life was suppose to get easier when in reality it seems like things are actually getting harder.
*crosses arms, stomps foot, sticks out bottom lip, and whines*
It is a REAL relationship! That puppy love stage fades for you but I promise it does not fade on God's end.  He loves you just the same today, tomorrow, forever & always. You have to show devotion to Jesus as if he was your other half in the bond of marriage.  Stay committed to the relationship and continue to seek Him.
Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.
Don't give up on Him, because He will NEVER give up on you. His love is oh so TRUE! The moment I handed my heart over to Jesus that fear of never being loved flew right out of the window because I finally knew what love really was/is (1 John 4:8.)  I hope you come to know what real love is too because...

& to those people out there that are still looking for your Prince Charming... look no further you've found Him, He even lends us His armor. (Ephesians 6:10-18)  This Prince gives us a happy ending better than any Disney film could display & a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) to enjoy your journey with Him along the way. 

God is love. He didn’t need us. But he wanted us. And that is the most amazing thing. ~ Rick Warren