Sunday, June 24, 2012

A New Spark... Let It Shine!

Above is the picture that I have recently changed as my lock screen on my phone.  The other day someone saw it and jokingly asked if I was obsessed with myself.  I struggled to find the words to explain why I needed to see this photo constantly.  It's not that I am in love with myself.  It is quite the opposite actually.  

 Throughout my life I have struggled with remembering who I am by letting other people's actions and opinions against me wound me, confuse me, and cause me pain.  Recently my Momma's hospitalization caused my heart a sadness and fear that I have never experienced before. The clouds rolled in and enveloped my life. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING made sense.  I desperately grasped for my Savior's neck as the lightening struck and the thunder crashed.  As I lay in bed that first night that horrible lightening storm that was outside my window was also inside me.  The lightening was the flashes of pain as the memories came flooding back in and the searing pain in my chest that left me gasping for air.  The booming thunder were the screams of anger, fear, and confusion that I so desperately wanted cry out, but instead I pasted on a brave face for my sons and people surrounding me.  Finally the raindrops fell outside the window and Aydn, my oldest baby, rolled over  to me and stated it perfectly, "Momma, the Angels are crying for Grandma too." 

*insert sob fest U.S.A.*  

The first week was a struggle but each day was a new answered prayer.  I soaked in the sound of her first laugh (again) and found inspiration in witnessing her walk again complaining the whole time about doing it herself.  She was determined to do what she wanted to do and BAM it worked.  Nine days after critical condition in the hospital this picture was taken.  

As God carried me through that storm in life I began to change my anger into awe, my confusion into clarity, and my fears into faith.  An uncontrollable fire has ignited in my soul.  I am determined to be great... great for God.  All other things will fall into place.  In order to be great for God I need to believe what He says about me. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your words are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:14

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You are not a mistake
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

God knew exactly what I was going to go through with the woman I am blessed to call my Momma from birth to the present moment.  He knew the pain that I would endure and came to my rescue as I pretended to be okay on the outside, but actually dying on the inside... so many times in life.  


And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
1 John 4:16

So the picture will stay and I will not apologize nor be embarrassed about it.    It is my moments reminder to say a verse and add on another layer of my heavenly fathers armor.  It's a picture of God's wonderfully made creation who is not worthy of his love and adoration, but gratefully and joyously receives it. The eyes say it all... determined. *Cue the reminder* It is my newly sparked mind set, determined to be great for God.