Monday, February 28, 2011

A Short Story of Finding My Light

"We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light."  ~Mary Dunbar

Unique and important were not words that I would use to describe myself during my adolesences years.  Weird, akward, and worthless was more like it.  What a lot of people do not know is that I have suffered wrongs in my life as a child that have tainted my emotional script.  I do not wish to share as of now what happened to me, but I know that as bad as it was it happened for a reason.  What I am here to share is how I found my light and hopefully give tips on how you can too! But first I feel like I need to put down my story so that people can better understand me.

For so long I hid my pain and suffering from the world, because I did not want to seem weak and I did not want to admit what had been done to me, because some how that made it more real. I let the walls build up around me, never letting anyone get close to me, never trusting people, and eventually the pressure of those walls came crashing down.  I was 20 years old and the pain struck me so deep one evening that I did not want to feel anymore at all.  I injested over 500 IBProphen and waited for the pain in my soul to subside and thankfully my father came to my rescue and saved my life.  What a selfish move... but really it hurt that bad.

My glimmer of hope came to me two months later with a postive pregnancy test result.  Yes, at first I was afraid... well more like terrified.  I couldn't even take care of myself- so what the heck was God thinking in giving ME of all people a child. Now I understand that this was God's way of showing me my importance... he trusted me with another persons life so I must be worthy of something.

 Aydn was born September 12th, 2007 and suddenly the world made more sense.
 As soon as I held him in my arms I knew that what people had told me in the past and the wrongs done to me were obsolete, after all this precious and pure baby loved me -
so I couldn't be that unloveble.

Having a baby was not the answer to my happiness, but rather the first stepping stone in my life toward true contentment with who I am.  Aydn was the first person that I could truly be myself around and boy did I enjoy not having to put on the layers and build the walls up every morning.  As Aydn has grown, so has the love for myself. While I still struggle with the past on certain days I have not let it ruin my future. Instead of those ugly words determining my emotinal script I have let the joyful and beautiful words define who I am.

I could dwell on the past and live in constant wonder of what I could've done or could've been... but I am not going to let that happen.  My light is growing brighter every day and it my PRIVILEDGE to be living this day to its fullest. 

1 comment:

  1. Hello Rhianna,
    Thank you for your sharing. I want to send you my love and a kissie to Aydn who must be a little more than three years old now. God keep blessing you and your son every day. Thank you for shining your light to me today! Your blog is full of warmth and good feelings. You have a beautiful, honest and friendly heart!