Monday, February 28, 2011

A Short Story of Finding My Light

"We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light."  ~Mary Dunbar

Unique and important were not words that I would use to describe myself during my adolesences years.  Weird, akward, and worthless was more like it.  What a lot of people do not know is that I have suffered wrongs in my life as a child that have tainted my emotional script.  I do not wish to share as of now what happened to me, but I know that as bad as it was it happened for a reason.  What I am here to share is how I found my light and hopefully give tips on how you can too! But first I feel like I need to put down my story so that people can better understand me.

For so long I hid my pain and suffering from the world, because I did not want to seem weak and I did not want to admit what had been done to me, because some how that made it more real. I let the walls build up around me, never letting anyone get close to me, never trusting people, and eventually the pressure of those walls came crashing down.  I was 20 years old and the pain struck me so deep one evening that I did not want to feel anymore at all.  I injested over 500 IBProphen and waited for the pain in my soul to subside and thankfully my father came to my rescue and saved my life.  What a selfish move... but really it hurt that bad.

My glimmer of hope came to me two months later with a postive pregnancy test result.  Yes, at first I was afraid... well more like terrified.  I couldn't even take care of myself- so what the heck was God thinking in giving ME of all people a child. Now I understand that this was God's way of showing me my importance... he trusted me with another persons life so I must be worthy of something.

 Aydn was born September 12th, 2007 and suddenly the world made more sense.
 As soon as I held him in my arms I knew that what people had told me in the past and the wrongs done to me were obsolete, after all this precious and pure baby loved me -
so I couldn't be that unloveble.

Having a baby was not the answer to my happiness, but rather the first stepping stone in my life toward true contentment with who I am.  Aydn was the first person that I could truly be myself around and boy did I enjoy not having to put on the layers and build the walls up every morning.  As Aydn has grown, so has the love for myself. While I still struggle with the past on certain days I have not let it ruin my future. Instead of those ugly words determining my emotinal script I have let the joyful and beautiful words define who I am.

I could dwell on the past and live in constant wonder of what I could've done or could've been... but I am not going to let that happen.  My light is growing brighter every day and it my PRIVILEDGE to be living this day to its fullest.